


and by you you mean we

by spocklee



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, mentioned Yasha/Beau, mentioned fjord/jester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28197360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocklee/pseuds/spocklee
Summary: title from an amy woolard poem.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	and by you you mean we

**Author's Note:**

> thought it might be fun to write something for the break. someone said widobrave is for conspiracy theorists and they're right, i love clues. these characters all belong fully to their respective players and i'm just having fun with them. kept vague about any plot details bc i won't even begin to try and guess what's actually going to happen in this arc.

He glanced sidelong at Fjord, who was staring sternly at the world outside of the bubble. The man had seemed like a boy when they first met, and now Caleb thought, _he looks like a leader._ Even his hat, which was pointless in the snow, looked natural. Fjord noticed his stare and turned to him.

“Caleb?”

“I was just thinking. Thank you, for saving Veth the other day.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that, she’s a friend. Well. She’s a nuisance. A teammate? Don’t tell her I said friend.”

“I know. But I– I didn’t know what to do. I froze up.”

“Yes. Why was that?”

“‘Why’?”

“Yes. I mean– She’s your friend too, isn’t she?”

“I’m not very strong. Or… I was trying to find a good spell.”

“For pulling someone out of a dead giant evil baby?”

“You can see why I was not sure what to do.”

Fjord shrugged, “Sometimes you can just reach in and pull someone out. That’s all.”

“And uh, the. The flirting. That’s. How do you do that?”

“What?”

“I mean, I know,” and he lowered his voice, trying not to look at where Jester was sleeping soundly but with an arm outstretched as if waiting for someone to come back and lie next to her, “You and Jester. I’m not saying you and Veth are–”

“Oh!”

“Or, I mean, if you _are–”_

“No, no,” Fjord wasn’t affronted or overly-protesting; he just shook his head.

“Good. Because she’s married.”

“Yes, I know that,” Fjord had raised his eyebrows, either at Caleb’s scolding tone or something else entirely.

“Well. I guess what I’m saying is… How can you hold her like that? Talk and joke about it so easily?”

Fjord narrowed his eyes, not unkindly, and then leaned back on his hands, “I guess I don’t worry about it. I know how she’ll react. She’ll get a kick out of it, but nothing… complicated is going to happen.”

“Oh.”

“I guess,” and Fjord drawled in a way that almost reminded Caleb of a voice from another time, “that’s not possible if it feels like a joke or touch might lead to something actually happening.”

Caleb turned back to the view of the landscape, though he couldn’t see anything in the dark anyways, “No.”

“You can talk to me about whatever, Caleb. But I think if you’re so glad she’s alive, you shouldn’t be just talking to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if it really scared you to see her almost die, I mean–” and Fjord’s eyes wandered past Caleb’s shoulder, “I mean you should say or do whatever you might not be able to tomorrow. Maybe not everything, but just– spend some time with her. I bet you’ll feel better than you do just talking to me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. It has been a minute since I’ve talked with you either.”

Fjord smiled, bashful and pleased under the beard and the hat, and it was almost like Caleb could still see that boy in the Trostenwald tavern so many months ago. He smiled back.

-

After dinner, Caleb caught her and ushered her back away from the rest of the group. There was no tower tonight– they had stopped at a fort in the middle of the white forest, and the miserable soldiers had spared some rooms. There was space at least, if not much heat or color. Beau and Yasha had taken to sharing a room, as did Fjord and Jester; blushing and beaming and embarrassed muttering all around. The new bunking order left Veth, Caleb, and Caduceus when there was no tower, and it was Caduceus now who turned back and made curious eye contact with Veth, only to smile serenely and continue walking down the hall as Caleb turned to face her.

“Veth, ah, wait–”

“Yes?”

He bent low to her, as if to whisper a secret, “Tomorrow– I was thinking. Our plans are just to rest, and wait for Essek to meet with us. But early in the morning– Would you be free?”

She tried to think of what tasks had to be done in the early morning; sometimes dawn had been the best time to steal from several shops in the matter of an hour, when the shopkeepers were not expecting anyone and still moving between storage rooms, kitchens, ledgers, coffee.

“Sure. What’s up?”

He seemed oddly nervous, shy, “I was thinking, since we won’t need the spells for anything else, hopefully, that it might be fun to– uh, to polymorph. To fly around a bit, just for fun.”

“Together?”

“Ah, yes, I was thinking I could cast it on you and then myself. I have been thinking it might be nice to just. Fly without trying to escape or get somewhere for once.”

It was surprisingly boyish of him in the way that was not so surprising after awhile. Sometimes, the way he spoke softly, or delighted quietly in some prank, or had once tucked flowers behind her ear–

“Yes! I’d love to.”

He broke out into a smile and blinked over and over, “Good! Good.”

“Why so early though?”

“It doesn’t have to be early. I just thought it might be nice, to do it without the rest of the group noticing.”

“So it’s just us?”

“Just us. Old times.”

“Okay. I’m sure it won’t be that cold. How are you going to wake me up without waking up Caduceus?”

“Oh– Ah. I’ll use message.”

-

In the dark, Caleb’s voice pressed warmly from the back of her head, as if he was in bed behind her. It startled her, enough that she sat up from the blankets before she could regret losing the cocoon of heat, and then she noticed that Caleb was of course standing in the room, finger to his mouth. Caduceus slept with his back to them, his pink hair visible in the light of the single glowing sphere Caleb had summoned. It was not freezing, but only because their room was windowless, small, and filled with their breathing.

“Now?”

“Let’s get some breakfast first.”

They went to the kitchen to nod and ask for some food, and left without sitting with the soldiers at their tables. They were regarded grudgingly as guests here, and strange and lofty ones at that, who mostly slept in and wandered around all day. Bored and distrusting eyes followed them from the dining hall.

They ate as she followed him, listening to his distracted muttering (“There’s a tower this way, there must be a staircase somewhere– Oh, a dead end. Maybe the courtyard would be fine. Who built this place?”), and wondering what this was all for.

-

“Ah, are you ready?”

She nodded, though there was a line in her brow that said she wasn’t quite sure what he was up to yet. Well, she nodded. He kneaded the caterpillar cocoon in his hand, and a raven with a yellow collar of feathers around its neck bounced on the ground in front of him. It squawked. He laughed, and held out his arm without thinking. She flapped noisily onto it, causing him to reel back from the size.

“Oh, I forgot how big ravens are.”

She squawked again, and bobbed her head up and down, wings not quite outstretched but lifting at the sides. 

“Oh, yes, of course, my turn.”

He set her down on the ground. A second cocoon (was he getting low?) and suddenly he was eye-level with the other raven, her head turned sideways to look at him.

_An orange raven?_

_Yes._

_Nobody’s going to try to shoot you, right?_

_No, I don’t think so. If they try I’ll just, oh, I don’t know, shit in their eyes or something._

It didn’t feel as intelligent as the giant eagle form. When he meant to laugh at himself, at the way they both hopped instead of stepped, it came out as a guttural cry. It was nice, almost like being a little too tipsy to care or overthink everything.

_Okay. Time to fly._

They chased each other back and forth up the walls of the fort, stopping on an branch or buttress to look back and check the other was still there, until eventually they were swooping high over the buildings. Some guards watched, but it was too cold to bother to remove hands from a coat to aim at a strange bird. Their flight patterns became more daring and excitable, trying to dive and tip as close as possible to the other without colliding. As a human, Caleb would have been breathless from shouting and laughing, but within the bird he just made a morbid racket above the people below. 

_Veth. I’m hungry. Are you hungry?_

_Yeah, what’s the plan?_

_I have an idea. Follow me._

There was one room that got warm enough that the window might be open, or had a window at all; the kitchen. Caleb alighted on the windowsill, feeling a slim leak of heat from the seam in the wooden shutters that would have been a laughable barrier anywhere else in the fort. Veth landed at his side and tapped at the shutter with her beak. 

They both cawed and jumped back when the shutter swung open. A cook looked around and saw them, the same one from earlier that morning.

“Ah, dirty animals! Get out of here!”

Caleb and Veth raised their wings, gleefully pests, _Food! Food! Bread!_

“So it’s you two who have been cawing all day! Orange ravens… must be some magic. Fine, take some bread!”

The cook threw a ripped loaf out the window and then slammed it shut. Veth had already darted out to grab the loaf in her beak, awkwardly holding it aloft in midair. She flew upwards to the roof of the tower.

They landed and tore the bread apart happily. Eventually it was just crumbs, hardening in the cold, and they both adjourned to perch on the parapet and fluff their feathers contentedly over a job well done. It was very cold; Caleb moved closer the same time as Veth did, to chirp and nuzzle together. It was not as effective as sharing heat in their other forms, and there were strangely pleasant memories in his bird head of sleeping curled up with a goblin, in cold less grand and more mud than this. It was much easier to get bread as ravens than as a dirty human and a suspicious halfling.

The polymorph dropped. Caleb sighed quietly into the warm body leaning against his side, blinked slowly and fondly at the top of her head, and then recoiled and almost fell.

He recovered just in time to catch a pinched glare from Veth, who had fallen sideways into the now empty space where she'd been propped against him, before she looked away. She kicked her legs a little, but then leaned forward. It was still too cold. He wanted to shuffle to her side and wrap his long coat around the both of them, but– that kind of touch, easy to give and easy to receive, as beggars or birds, had been lost somewhere. The joy of before, almost crashing in mid-air and eating bread off the ground, had clearly evaporated. 

They didn’t look at each other. Veth flicked a pebble off the parapet.

“I’m thinking of going home after this.”

“Oh! Back to Nicodranas?”

“Yes.”

“That will be good. I think we would all enjoy some time there after this journey.”

“No, I mean,” and he could see her frown tighten, “I mean I think I might not come back.”

“Oh,” he could think of nothing else to say that wouldn’t send him spiraling; soldiers walked around in the indifferent courtyard below.

“Yeah.”

“Why, uh, why now?”

She ran her hands over her forehead, “I don’t know, it just feels like– Like it’s done, right? Like I don’t have an excuse to stay anymore. Everyone’s gotten what they set out for.”

“You could still stay,” he restrained himself, “If you wanted to.”

“Maybe I should stop kidding myself.”

He put his fist in his hand and held it to his mouth. The view was giving him vertigo, as he thought about the days and days ahead without her.

“I can’t stop you. I’ll miss you. But if you need to go– then go. It will be good to see your boy again.”

He felt her staring at him, and then she said, very seriously, “Do you miss it sometimes?”

It could have meant many things, “Miss what?”

“When I was a goblin. When you thought I was just Nott.”

He inhaled shakily and for too long, but finally, “No. I miss… I don’t know. But you were very unhappy like that. I don’t miss that part.” 

“Then what do you miss?”

“Veth… May I ask why you’re asking this now?”

“I just want to know.”

“Do you think I regret helping you?” His voice almost sounded angry, and he resented how difficult this suddenly was back in his own body.

“I don’t know, do you? Are you just waiting for me to go now? Now that I’m–! I’m! I don’t know! Like you repaid your debt and I’m fixed now, mystery solved! But sometimes I just,” she huffed, and at least he wasn't the only one frustrated, “I feel like I lost something with you. Like somehow it’s harder for you to look at me now than when I was a goblin. I wanted to stay and be with you, but it’s like I can’t even do that anymore.”

“You’re married,” the reminder came out admonishing, too revealing, and he flinched at himself.

“And?” 

They faced each other now, and she was right. It had been a long time since he’d let himself look her in the eyes, not sitting side by side or polymorphed or flinching away or peripheral or watching her walk in front of him. The tattoos, when he’d first seen them, had seemed like an unfair invitation. He swallowed and tried to be stern.

“And we don’t get to have everything we want.”

“And by we you mean me? Or you?”

He breathed out through his nose like a bull and then hid his face in his hands. None of this was coming out right.

“C’mon, Caleb. If you can’t treat me like you treated Nott, then let’s get into an argument while we’re at it. You never had to argue with a little goblin girl who had nobody else, who would agree with you whenever you wanted.”

His hands dropped from his face in the flash from exasperation to sorrow, “Is that what this is? You think I… That I miss having… I don’t even know what to call that.”

“But is it? You never answered. What do you miss? What’s the difference between Nott and Veth?”

He clenched his jaw to keep from immediately saying the obvious, _I wasn’t taking Nott away from a family that needed her. I could brush the hair out of her face without feeling like I was a homewrecker._

_“_ I’m sorry. I never… I didn’t know you felt that way. If it means anything to you, that’s not what you were to me. You weren’t just some…” he hissed a curse in Zemnian, “Some _pet_ to me.”

“Then what was I?” her voice was soft and intent now.

“You were everything to me,” it broke out of him, and was simple and too much as soon as he heard it, “I don’t think always in a healthy way. It was good we met the rest of the group, that we didn’t have to turn the other into whatever we needed anymore. But for a time there you were all I had. My partner, my friend. We did not even have a bed most of the time. Wherever I slept was just where you were.”

Her eyes winced, and he stumbled over his words.

“I’m not saying this right… _scheisse,_ I want to say this right. You weren’t an object to me, I’m not trying to say that. But I… It felt like maybe I was everything to you too. And I know that’s selfish. And I wanted you to have more, to have the group and confidence and whatever you needed. More than just me, a lot more. But what I mean, is… it felt like, even after our little group formed… like I could want you around because you wanted me around. Like there was someone in the world who knew everything about me and still loved me,” a tear fell out of his eye and onto his knee, and his voice felt childish, “and then I felt like such a fool for thinking I knew everything about you when I never had a clue. I’m so arrogant.”

He wiped his eye and managed a laugh. The cold air almost felt nice on his red face now. This would all be so much more hazy and tiring in the heat. It wouldn’t feel so striking, when Veth’s warm fingers brushed his knuckles, if it wasn’t so cold around them. He turned to her again.

“I’m sorry, Caleb.”

“Don’t be. I know I can be… uh, hard to crack. Emotionally.”

“Yeah. You know, if you talked about how you feel just a little bit, every once and awhile, maybe it wouldn’t, you know, feel so intense and scary when you end up having to do it all at once like twice a year. But I am sorry… I’ve been thinking about home because this mission has been longer than I thought. And it just felt… weird to miss them and miss you at the same time, especially if I was choosing to be with you. And I was getting wound up. I think I just needed to talk to you.” 

He chuckled, and coughed the rasp in his throat out. He let her hand wrap around his.

“I've been scared of making you feel obligated to stay. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little awkward.”

“It’s okay. I think I just need to figure out how to divide my time better. Maybe if an adventure sounds too long… I don’t know, I can always turn it down. And if it sounds fun, I can go. But don’t worry, I’m not staying just because of you. I have other reasons.”

He squeezed her hand, “Good. I’m glad.”

“I don’t miss being a goblin. And I don’t miss not having my family or being too broke to buy bread or getting chased by mobs or whatever. But I… I wouldn’t give it up for anything. If it means I wouldn’t have done all the things we’ve done together. Or that I wouldn’t have met you.”

He smiled, “You don’t have to say that.”

“It’s how I feel,” she looked genuinely confused, and shrugged, “Why wouldn’t I say it?”

It took him two tries to speak, “I don’t miss being broke or unhappy or hungry. But I wouldn’t give that time up either. I think that was the most important thing that ever happened to me.”

She smiled and looked away. They sat like that, staring out at the snowy courtyard. He tilted his head down.

“I meant it, in those early days when I said if you wanted to leave in the middle of the night that I’d go with you. If Nott had ever disagreed with me, I– I wouldn’t have gotten mad. Or left her, or you. That’s not what you were to me. Then or now.”

Her reply was reassuringly playful, familiar and sharp, “But what if I said something like, Caleb! Hit this total stranger for me!”

“Well, I would probably do it. If you’re saying that, that means they’re probably an enemy.”

“But maybe I'd been charmed by a baddie to say that! And then you look and realize you just hit a clergy member! Or some nice shopkeeper, or whoever!”

“Ah. Then that would be quite tricky,” he leaned closer to her, grinning.

“Or what if I was like, Caleb, how do I insult Fjord in Zemnian!”

“Oh, we might have to have a discussion about that, to see if you could convince me. But, hypothetically, you could say _arschloch.”_

_“Arselock?”_

“ _Arschloch.”_

_“_ Ass lock. As in, Fjord, your ass is locked. In a jail. For being bad. _”_

_“Arsch.”_

_“_ Arstch. _”_

_“Loch.”_

_“_ Log _.”_

_“_ Hm _. Arschloch.”_

_“Arse–_ Are you just messing with me right now?”

“No, no, you’re actually quite close,” he was trying and failing to look serious, and she seemed as happy as he was to sit on the roof and call each other _asshole_ over and over. 

“Whatever, Widogast.”

“No, that’s not how you pronounce it at all.”

She rolled her eyes. Her hand was still on his hand.

“I missed this. Thank you. For today.”

“Of course. You’re my best friend, Veth.”

She turned to him with another question clearly in her eyes, but then shrugged again, smaller this time. It had been a good morning. Sometimes it was better to quit while you were ahead.

-

“And I was thinking like, would roses be too tacky? Like I think she likes wildflowers the most– Caleb? Caleb. Caleb, listen to me.”

“Oh, sorry. Roses. Tacky.”

“You’re saying they’re tacky or confirming that I said they might be tacky?”

“Ah,” he rolled the _a_ as he thought, “I think Yasha would prefer wildflowers.”

“Okay. What about lighting? Like, is mood lighting too corny?”

He almost answered and then paused, “Actually, I’m not sure. There’s not much point to the flowers if she can barely see them. Wait, is this a picnic date or a, uh, you know. A date that goes somewhere.”

“Ew.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s relevant to the question!”

Beau waved her hands around over the plate of food they’d been sharing, sitting on the floor of his room, papers with notes scattered around them, “What if the wildflower room is like, an offshoot to my bedroom. Like, different rooms, different lighting. That way we can have a nice picnic and then uh.”

To Caleb’s surprise, she couldn’t finish the sentence. She looked down at her lap. Caleb prodded at her, deadpan.

“And then go kiss politely in the dark?”

“Shut up.”

A knock at the door turned both their heads, and then Veth’s voice, “Caleb?”

“Oh, ah, come in!” The door opened just as he said, “Beau is here, also.”

“Oh, hey, Beau. What are you two doing?”

Beau attempted to lounge nonchalantly across a stack of papers that looked suspiciously like drawings of her and Yasha in various and hypothetical dating scenarios, “Oh. Nerd shit. You know. Reading.”

“Okay, because your elbow is in mashed potatoes right now.”

“What? Ah, fuck, I thought that was weirdly warm carpet–”

“Caleb, I have an idea for a new spell, but I– Can you help me with it? Not right now, I was thinking tomorrow, or whenever we have time–”

“Yes! Yes, I would love to. That’s very exciting.”

Veth tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “Good! Yes! Great! Okay! I’m gonna… Goodnight!”

“Goodnight!”

His hand was still hovering in the air, closing around a wave at the door closing, when he turned to see Beau still lying on her side, glaring at him.

“What?”

“Nothing. Everything seems good between you two.”

“Sure.”

“Real good.”

“Alright.”

“Suspiciously good. Better than ever, even.”

“Your elbow still has gravy on it.”

“Ah, fuck!”

He turned back to the notes, ignoring her wiping her sleeve on his bedsheet. 

“What about the ballroom idea? I know you said you don’t want to dance but–”

“Caleb.”

He looked up. She was sitting up now, eyeing him seriously but softly.

“For real. If there’s anything you want to talk to me about…”

He sighed. Put the paper down. Pushed it around on the ground with his palm a little, stacked it on top of some others. Rubbed his chin. His beard was coming in again.

“We talked a little. It was good.”

“About what?”

“About missing the old days. Not every part but– but the together part.”

“... And?”

“And it had just been awhile since we’d spent time together,” he couldn’t meet her eye, “and we should do it more often.”

“Alright,” Beau’s voice was surprisingly gentle, “That sounds good.”

Caleb nodded at the floor and hummed, “I think Yasha might like sunflowers. But also lily-of-the-valley. Very big and very delicate, right next to each other.”

“You know you can talk to me about uh. About anything you might feel nervous talking about. Right?”

“What makes you think there’s more to say?”

“You just seemed really happy to see Veth just now. She did too.”

“We’re friends. Of course we’re happy to see each other.”

“Yeah, but it just seemed. You know. Sweet,” she cut him off before he could reply, “Sweeter than usual. And more like, giddy, than you two ever were before, even before, you know, the Yeza thing.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not judging or anything.”

“Maybe I should go to bed. Come to me tomorrow with what you want, and–”

She turned around at the door before he could finish pushing her out, “Hey, hold on. I’m not letting you off the hook that easy, come on.”

He sighed and shoved his hands over his forehead and across his hair. It wasn't like he could budge her. She spoke.

“You know I love you, right?”

He looked up. Her arms were crossed, and she seemed like she was vibrating from trying not to look away or get embarrassed. He exhaled and patted her elbows. She looked confused, unfolded her arms, and he took her hands. He held them in his own between the two of them.

“I… I love you too, Beauregard. You are a sister to me.”

Her hands shook in his. She tried a nervous laugh.

“Two assholes like us should probably get more practice saying it, right?”

“Not practice. I mean it.”

“Yeah. I’m just saying. If you love someone… It’s not a bad thing to say it sometimes. Even if makes you feel all jittery and nervous or like you’re doing something you don’t deserve to do and like you’re gonna be sick.”

He looked up, “Have you, uh, said it to… Yet?”

“No, I was thinking maybe uh, a few more dates. At least. Trying to be slow. Do what normal people do.”

Caleb could have said that maybe they both already moved too slow, or that it was not always necessary or good to do what normal people do, but instead he said, “I know it is not the same thing. But you can always practice with me.”

Beau hugged him, quickly, murmured a terse “Same” to his shoulder, and then was gone.

-

“So what did you want to talk about, Jester?”

Veth and Caduceus were sitting on respective piles of pillows, as comfortable and patient as counselors summoned to consult an anxious leader. Jester darted more than paced around her room, sniffing a vase of flowers, twirling, picking up a pastry, and finally collapsing onto her own pile of cushions and blankets, mouth full. 

“So, you like, know how me and Fjord are uh, kissing and like, talking and stuff now?”

Veth nodded. Jester had pulled her aside one night to tell her about their first kiss, their first non-dying kiss specifically, and they had both squeaked and shrieked and clutched each other’s hands in the kitchen like tea kettles going on and off. Veth glanced sideways at Caduceus to see if he would have a reaction; he was smiling warmly and without surprise. Of course he had probably figured it out before anyone.

“Yes. And that’s all good still, right?” Veth resisted the urge to threaten Fjord’s life if something was going wrong.

“Yes! It’s very nice. But I told him to do something with Beau or Caleb or Yasha because I hadn’t seen either of you in like, forever,” the last syllable of _forever_ stretched out and out.”

Caduceus, frank but not argumentative, “You see us every day.”

“But I mean like! Talk to you both! And eat pastries and drink tea!”

“Ah. I see. You’re right, we haven’t done that in awhile.”

Jester fell back on her soft throne and closed her eyes contentedly, “Yes,” and then popped up forcefully with an idea, “Oh! Veth! When you told me about your first kiss, was that Yeza? Were you talking about Yeza?”

“O-Oh, I’m sure Caduceus doesn’t want to hear about that–”

“No, no, that sounds very interesting. I would love to hear about it.”

“Oh yeah, Caduceus, Veth and her husband had a first kiss and it was _so_ romantic and like Veth remembered the feel of his lips _forever_ and they fell in love–”

“Yeah, yes, of course. Yeah.”

“That sounds lovely.”

“Yes, well–”

“Yeah! Veth, I wanna know like, you know, after the first kiss, how did you know like… You _know.”_

“That I… Was going to have sex with him?”

“No! I mean like, I don’t know maybe later but I mean, how did you know you like… LOVED him. You know?”

“Oh. Well,” and she sat with her hands around the warm cup of tea and thought of the two of them lying on the side of the riverbank, hands just touching and for some reason even that felt like too much, and the way she had turned to look at him and the breeze had ruffled his hair just before he turned to look at her. 

“I guess one day I looked at him and I just. I couldn’t imagine a time where I wouldn’t want him next to me. You know? Like I didn’t just want him then, while we were young, and you know… In the moment. But I wanted to grow old with him.”

Caduceus nodded with a smile and Jester sighed with her hands on her cheeks, “That’s so cute.”

“Yes. It is,” but Veth felt something in her stomach drop. 

“Veth, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, you seem a little green around the gills,” Caduceus blanched, “Oh, sorry. Metaphor.”

“No, no, I’m fine. Just uh, miss him.”

“Yeah, I could see that. Do you want me to message him tonight? Oh, we could all help you write a letter to him. And I could message Luc too!”

“Sure. Yes, I think that would be really nice.”

-

_Hi, Yeza, this is from Veth! How are you? I miss talking to you. Long trip. Will stay home longer when done. Love you, Veth._

_Hi, Luc! It’s Jester, your mom’s friend. She misses you and loves you so very much. Be good. Take care of your dad and Nugget!_

-

“Was it weird that I tried to sound like you in the message to Yeza?”

“No, no, it was helpful. I think. That way he doesn’t feel like he’s getting a letter from you. Maybe it feels a little more like it’s from me.”

-

She dreamed of her and Yeza lying next to each other by the river, but it was colder than it had been that day. It had been summer, hot in the sunlight and cool in the shade, but in the dream she shivered and that was when Yeza screamed. Suddenly he was in the river, drowning. He fell below the surface. Goblins and halflings started bubbling out where he had disappeared, scattering in all directions over both riverbanks, running into the forest and she watched all of them, looking for Yeza, looking for Nott, looking for herself. Who was she supposed to look for? 

She made the decision to jump in the river to look for him, all fear be damned, and stumbled at the last step and fell in, head first. She expected to crack her skull on a rock but the river was as deep and open underneath the surface as the ocean when she had jumped off the boat, and she sunk and sunk like a featherfall through air. It didn’t feel like water or drowning. She didn’t see Yeza, only bluish green space, and then a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and there was Caleb, his hair floating around his face, the tail end of his scarf drifting up, his face kind and worried. He touched her hand and took it.

They were dry and sitting on the riverbank. It was winter and they were huddled together under a blanket more thick and luxurious than any of the rags they used to share on the road. Lying down, pebbles in her side. Moonlight when it had just been day. Someone’s voice who wasn’t Caleb’s, saying, _You know, in this light–_

She brushed her hand over his cheek, felt the jaw where it reached the ear, and felt warm breath on her face, “Veth, are you cold?”

“Yes. I’m so cold, Caleb.”

“Here, give me your hands.”

And for a moment when she gave him her hands, she expected fire, a spell; but he just held them in his own and breathed on them, his breath fogging silver in the air. He rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles, green and clawed even though she could still feel her smaller halfling ears, her brown eyes that couldn’t see well in the dark. Did he see her or Nott right now? His eyes were so bright with concern. It had to be someone else entirely he saw, to look at her like that. That was what she always thought, when he would treat her with so much deliberate care, or not understand why it might surprise people to see them together or he would assure her she wasn’t a monster. _And you’re hardly ugly,_ he’d said almost with casual disdain, as if she might have just been anyone fishing for compliments. The way his breath would catch waiting for her to answer, the way he would sigh faintly when she would say _I’m fine, I’m okay._ And that had all been for Nott, for the worst parts of her.

“Is that any better?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more.”

“It’s okay. Can I kiss you?”

In the dream he nodded, and that was enough that she leaned forward, was on top of him, now in a bedroom, now too warm, desperate to get to the point of the dream.

And then, she saw the end table by the bed, and it was the one from home, the one that had been burned down. She looked out the window, and there was Yeza, walking by in the front yard, not even noticing. 

She woke up.

-

In three days they would summon a circle to go to Nicodranas. They had ended up back at that same fort, bloody and more haunted than before, and the guards who had seen them as frivolous now parted solemnly to let them inside. 

They had not lost anyone. Molly had stayed dead, if not in the grave. Maybe one day Lucien would stand back up from where they had left him, and roam the earth again. Maybe one day there would be two rubies set into purple, flashing in between spectators in a crowd. Maybe one day another circus would come to another town, and a card would be laid on another table, in another tavern. But it did not seem like they would ever see be lucky enough to see such a sight twice.

After breakfast, with no secrecy from the rest of the group, a tug on her sleeve, “Veth.”

She turned, “Yes?”

Caleb’s eyes were ragged and sad, his hair long around his face, “Can you help me with a spell?”

“Of course.”

Helping with a spell meant sitting quietly in the lab together, the tower summoned for creature comforts that felt well-deserved at the end of the journey. Frumpkin purring at her legs, nuzzling her chin, curled up within reach on the table where she sat and studied alchemy. She looked across the table, to Caleb with three books and a journal in front of him to write in, his hand fisted in the front of his hair.

“Frumpkin. I’m fine. Caleb looks like he misses you though.”

Caleb glanced up at her. It was his pet. Technically she could command it even less than a normal cat. But Frumpkin chirruped and walked across the table to Caleb, almost knocking over a pot of ink, and Caleb relented and rubbed his forehead against Frumpkin’s while petting his back with both hands.

“Ah, you’re a good boy, aren’t you.”

Veth smiled and went back to her reading.

-

The second day, Jester fed Sprinkle a bug in the fort’s dining hall and said, “Who knows when we’ll see this much snow again.”

“Yeah, thank god– ow! What?” Beau shot Fjord a dirty look, but he went on looking at Jester as if he hadn’t just kicked someone under the table.

“Are you thinking you’ll miss it?” Caduceus cupped a bowl of broth he had whipped up in the kitchen for himself among the cooks, repaying the intrusion by wordlessly helping them cut vegetables and prep and clean until they’d treated him like crew.

“Yes. I keep thinking what Molly would do, if he had three days with us here.”

The table fell silent, surrounded by the continuing sounds of talking and tableware from the tables of soldiers around them. Yasha rubbed her fingers in front of her.

“I think he would want us to have fun.”

After breakfast they went outside the fort and found a blank hill and valley nearby, covered in a benevolent layer of snow. The fort had had some real sleds for transporting supplies getting dusty in a shed, that transported a screaming Fjord and Veth readily down the hill together. Yasha and Beau began to build a snowman, and Caduceus began to dig a hole.

“Caduceus, what are you digging for?” Jester had stood over him with her hands behind her back.

“Ah, I just wanted to see what’s underneath.”

Caleb watched. Caduceus agreed to race Veth down the hill on a second sled, after giving one last satisfied glance down into the hole he had dug. Jester had begun to build a ramp at the end of the hill, and Fjord was chatting back and forth with Sprinkle, who was nestled in his coat collar and squeaking conversationally at him.

“Do you think I should help her?” _Chirp._ “Yes, I think she’s good on her own.” _Chattering._ “Oh, good idea. I’ll go prepare to hit Veth with a snowball.”

“Fjord!” The double syllable of his name in Jester’s mouth, affectionate and complaining as he ducked to kiss her on the cheek before running up the hill to hide behind a tree and wait for the race to begin.

“Caleb!”

“Oh?”

Beau was waving at him, “Come help us!”

He ambled closer, “What do you need?”

Yasha inspected the snowman’s head like a foreman, “We’re not sure how to make horns.”

“Ah. I think we’ll have to crush the snow really hard, to make it like solid ice.”

“Is that how snow works?” Beau squinted at him.

“I think so? Let’s see.”

There was an angry yell from the hill as Fjord’s snowball hit its mark, and Caleb couldn’t help but grin as he looked up to see Veth’s sled continuing empty down the slope, as Veth sat on the hill cursing and trying to throw clumps of snow at a laughing Fjord. Caduceus continued down in his sled, but his reward for winning was to hit the unfinished ramp that Jester had been building. He raised his eyebrows before colliding with the pile of snow in a soft and harmless _crunch._ Jester gasped and began digging him out.

The snowman ended up like all snowmen; not quite looking like anything except itself. They had given up on the horns until Yasha had ripped the needly branches of a tree and attempted to twist them, but they had refused to stay bent and looked like antennae. The three of them stood and tried to find something nice to say. Fjord, Jester, Caduceus, and Veth joined them.

Caduceus chuckled first, “You know. Based on what you’ve said about your friend, I think he would like this.”

Veth rubbed her chin, “Yeah. He probably wished you’d given him a more accurate dick though. Jester, you’re an artist, you can help with that.”

Fjord’s hid his face in his hand, a smile seen between his fingers. Beau had reached an arm around Yasha’s shoulder proudly and Yasha had leaned down to kiss the crown of her head. Caleb looked up. It was actually a very beautiful day.

A snowball fight broke out, building forts, eating food that Caduceus and Jester had thought to bring with them, Beau sitting in between Yasha’s folded legs when she got too cold (or claimed to) and letting Yasha wrap her arms and coat around her, head resting on her shoulder and eyes closed. Veth appeared at his side.

“Hey, you want to go sledding?”

“Sure. Together or against each other?”

“Hm. Let’s try together.”

Jester had finally finished her ramp, and she saluted them as they marched the sled up the hill. 

“Here?” Caleb stopped someway up the hill.

“No, Let’s go a little further.”

Veth stopped now, “Here?”

“No, actually let’s go a _little_ further.”

And back and forth a few times, always climbing higher, until finally Caleb was panting, “Here?”

“Sure,” there was not much further they could go without walking into the trees or up a cliff. 

It was only when they were delicately attempting to sit on the sled without it moving just yet that he realized they were actually very high.

“Veth, I’m not sure–”

“Oh shit–” And then he felt the sled tip, and he clutched at Veth in front of him because there was nothing else to hold on to as they started moving at a frightening angle. 

He could hear Veth hysterically laughing and yelling _oh my god, oh my GOD_ , and he could half hear his own giddiness bubbling through and overcoming his own scream.

“The ramp, the ramp!” she shouted, and they tilted so that they were on course for it, realizing too late that it was unclear why they wanted to.

He could see each of their friends’ faces in perfect detail in the paused bit of time before they hit the ramp, their eyes wide and faces tense, and he could hear Beau’s ‘oh shit!’ as he and Veth went decidedly airborne. Suddenly the only thing he saw was blue sky, and the fort in walking distance, picturesque.

“Fuck!” and he felt Veth about to cast featherfall, and he grabbed her hand in his and said, “Wait!”

She paused, her trust in him making his stomach light, and he waited for them to reach the height of the arc before he cast the spell on them both. The sled fell away from them in a plunge, as they floated downwards over the trees. She turned in the air to face him, beaming.

“That was perfect!”

“Yes,” his face hurt from smiling, “I guess it was.”

Her hand was still in his when they landed in a deep snowbank among the trees, although it fell loose when she stumbled and fell backwards into the softer pile that had built up under a pine. She disappeared into a Veth-shaped hole. Their friends could no longer be seen through the trunks and branches.

“Veth?” he began digging with his hands to help her out, “Veth, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, a foot deep in snow, “I just think I’m stuck.”

He dug further, until he was over her, sticking his head into the hole with her, snow on all sides, a loose piece of his hair hanging to the side of her face. 

“Caleb, I can’t get out if you’re crouching over me,” but she was smiling, and he huffed a laugh.

She tucked the piece of hair back over his ear, her hand hovering before brushing some snow off his eyebrow. Pretending to brush some snow off from under his eye. She kissed his nose.

“Thanks.”

He didn’t ask _for what_ , though he wanted to, but instead leaned in to kiss her cheek, “Of course.”

They smiled at each other, something cracking behind the familiarity and adrenaline. She kissed the corner of his mouth. He kissed her on the mouth, lingering when she pushed back into it, her hand on his neck. He pulled away.

“Veth, I–”

“Veth? Caleb?” 

Veth pushed him back, a firm hand in the chest, at the sound of Jester’s voice approaching. Beau came through the trees first.

“There you guys are. Shit, where’s the sled?” 

-

He wanted to go to her room after dinner, and knock on the door, and say, _I’m so sorry, we can just forget it, we were just giddy. I don’t want to make things complicated for you. I don’t want to ruin your family. I don’t want to ruin another family. I want things to be happy and easy, so easy it makes you breathless, for you, because I love you, but that’s what makes it complicated, and I don’t think I should tell you that. I love you but we can forget it, we can pretend it never happened, except maybe one day when we’re no longer together and you miss me and want to know whether or not I loved you. And then you can remember it for a few seconds, and forget it again when you need to._

Instead he laid in bed, his face in his hands. He murmured into the edges of his palms.

“Molly, what would you do? It’s your day.”

Silence, other than Frumpkin purring with worry, curled up against his side. He imagined, vividly with his eyes closed, Molly sitting with natural intimacy at the foot of the bed, his tail flicking, cheek balanced on his fist. _Well, I was never much for monogamy._

He plied himself with chamomile and whiskey into falling asleep.

He dreamed of her hair under his hands, black and shining as he braided and unbraided, said and unsaid compliments and questions and assurances. Alone in a room that was theirs, sitting on a bed that was theirs, full of warm light that had never burned anything. Her cheek warm against his palm, turning into it, her shoulders bare, his other hand out of sight and trailing lower and lower to a waist, a thigh. Warm from pleasure and shame, back to braiding her hair, sitting on his bed together, and even that was too intimate, so obvious in its tenderness and affection that he would never do it in front of her husband. And then she leaned back into his chest, the half-braid unraveling, her hand pulling his hand around her, and then–

He woke already sitting straight up as if from a nightmare. He buried his face in his hands, wishing somehow the room could be even darker, smaller, more like a hole to crawl into. 

-

Of course nothing could be easy. On the third day, the day they were supposed to leave, before the sun had even risen, they had been awoken from their sleep in the barracks by an alarm and shouting. There was some kind of racket outside, and they hurried into their clothes and armor and out into the hall, asking the soldiers where to go, who needed help. They ended up outside the fort, hunting down the ice-white creatures that had been dragging the night guards into the blue-black morning. They managed to catch up to the guards, one unconscious and one shaking with fear, leaving them for the rest of the soldiers to take care of as they followed the creatures into the forest.

The final arrow only hissed a mild pink spray of blood over the snow when it pierced Caleb’s chest, but on top of the poison and brutal blows he’d taken, it was enough that he fell and didn’t get back up. Her first thought even as she ran towards him was _It would be so stupid to lose him now._ _The ground is too frozen to bury him. We might have to burn him–_ and that was so unfair that her brain switched off and let her body kneel at his side automatically. His eyes were still open.

“Caleb?”

Fjord had already sliced the archer, and Beau was handily disarming and bearing down on the last of the creatures. There was a brawler’s corpse a few feet from Caleb, its chest burned into ash but its eyes pointed at Veth with perfect clarity. It seemed more alive than the hazy wander in Caleb’s gaze.

“Nott?”

“No, Caleb, remember? Veth.”

“Veth. Veth,” and his face winced as he said it with understanding, eyes closing, his voice becoming strange and high like when he’d drink too much, “We should get married. For tax reasons.”

“What?” Jester was coming to her side, and now that Veth knew he would be healed, would be fine, she almost wished he would just pass out already rather than expose either of them to this conversation in front of the group. 

“It’s not like I’ll ever leave you anyways. Cheaper.”

Beau had snuck up at some point, her whisper to Fjord too loud, “Wait. Are you guys paying taxes?”

“No? Shit, are we supposed to be?”

With a tender expression and through clenched teeth, Veth hissed, “Caleb. Shut the fuck up.”

He just hummed and said simply, “And because I love you, Veth. That too.”

Her hands clenched like claws over his chest as his eyes rolled back in his head, and Jester put a hand on her shoulder and smiled kindly. Veth let herself be moved away so Caduceus, calm and peaceful, could kneel down and start to heal him.

Jester, to her surprise, said nothing. Beau sighed and opened her mouth, but Fjord coughed loudly and she folded her arms and just nodded at nothing in particular. 

A big hand landed on Veth’s other shoulder. Yasha, back from going after a mage casting far from the rest of the group, loomed above her like a statue. Her face and voice were too soft to be granite or marble, with an understanding that Nott couldn’t imagine anyone else in the group could offer.

“He’ll be alright.”

It didn’t need to be said. Caduceus had healed worse. But it was always good to hear.

-

He woke up already groaning. The headache was the worst thing, likely a leftover of the poison and the antidote. No, it was the sharp and branching pain in his chest. No, the bruise forming on his thigh. In fourth place was the ache in his neck. Maybe just from the cold, or the barrack pillow, or age. 

There was a weight on his chest. And against his side; too big to be Frumpkin. He opened his eyes just as Veth’s head lifted off his shoulder and into view. She retreated to the side of the bed.

“You’re awake! Does it still hurt?”

He tried to rise with her, but winced and laid back down, “Just a little. How long has it been?”

“A few hours. Once we got you stable, Caduceus and Jester went back to help heal some soldiers. There were creatures on the south side of the fort as well. Do you still need healing? I don’t know if they have anything left, but maybe Yasha can do something–”

“No, it’s fine. I just need a little more rest,” he closed his eyes, and opened them again when he felt her glaring at him, “Seriously, Veth. I’d rather they heal someone who really needs it.”

“... Alright.”

She had moved to the edge of the bed, and they sat there not looking at each other as he remembered what had happened, and what he’d said.

“Ah, _schiesse_.”

“Yeah.”

“And everyone heard it, didn’t they.”

She folded the skirt of her coat into pleats, “Well, they didn’t seem surprised.”

“Oh, no,” he drew out each word.

“It’s fine. You didn’t mean it. You were delirious. Close to death.”

“I was barely.”

“You were looking pretty bleak.”

“Still had enough life in me to open my big mouth, though, huh?”

“Yeah,” her head was ducked so low that he couldn’t see her face, “But it’s not. It’s not anything. It doesn’t have to be. Or I mean– we’re partners, right? You love me, I already knew that. But it’s just– it’s kind of confusing sometimes. It’s not like _that._ Not really. Not the _in_ kind of love.”

He stared at his feet at the end of the bed, under the sheet. He wondered if the rest of them were hunched against the door, trying to hear what they were saying. He imagined Fjord and Caduceus shooing them away, maybe Fjord hanging back for a second before Jester caught him. He imagined them hearing this current silence and wondering what had happened.

He reached for Veth’s hand, just a little out of reach to hold but close enough that he could stroke his fingers against hers, “I only want to pretend it didn’t happen if you do. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll put it all away. I don’t want to be selfish with you. Well, sometimes I do… But mostly I want to do what’s right for you. Mostly I just want you to be happy, for as long as you live.”

His voice gave out a bit in the end, despite the strong, rational start. Her face was still turned away from him as he waited for her to reply.

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“I _am_ married.”

He withdrew his hand. A pain in his throat, on top of everything else. Her head tilted towards him, but he only saw the bow of her lashes past the curtain of her hair.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people? In a way that… That’s real. Fair.”

“I am not the best person to ask,” his voice drawled like it did when he wasn’t sure what to say, thinking about Jester, Fjord, Astrid, Eadwulf, Essek, Molly– but still amused, sad, “I am a little in love with everyone.”

Her face revealed itself to him suddenly, “Even me?”

“No,” he sighed, and the words came out before he could stop himself or worry about the clear heartbreak on her face, “I would not describe the way I feel about you as _little_.”

The heartbreak disappeared and she only looked stunned. It was bizarre enough to him that he could ignore the buzzing dread and guilt in his chest in favor of tipping his head curiously.

“You’re surprised?”

“I– Well, I kissed you once and told you you were the second love of my life and everything, and we never talked about it–”

“I thought you were saying goodbye,” he shrugged, as if he wasn’t reeling and it was all a small misunderstanding, “I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about it.”

“I guess not. I did think,” she glanced at the wall, “I thought that my feelings would maybe go away, once I was _me_ again. Really me. Like I would step into myself and my old life like a pair of shoes.”

“Is that what you wanted to happen?”

“No,” and she said it small and ashamed, towards his hand.

He imagined Mollymauk, listening at the door, checking in on their lives, raising an eyebrow and unimpressed, and said, “All cards on the table. No more confusion. I am in love with you. Probably since you were Nott, but I don’t think I realized– It’s bad timing. It’s no good. You don’t have to take it or do anything with it, but I am.”

She folded her hands in her lap, but smiled, “I love you too. I feel like I’ve said or thought it so many times. But I love you.”

He nodded against the pillow. He wished he was still unconscious, or that they could pretend he still was and she could still rest her head on his shoulder, and he could put her an arm around her in his feigned sleep.

“Have you talked to Yeza?”

“What, about this? Of course not.”

“Maybe you should.”

She turned her whole body towards him, “What?”

“You don’t have to. You can do whatever you think is best, or want to, or feel comfortable doing. But this thing between us–” he shook his head, “I can’t do it. I can’t put myself between you and your family like that.”

She put her face in her hands. He wanted to reach for her.

“What am I supposed to tell him?”

“How you feel. But only if you want– if you want anything between you and me to happen. We can go back to the way it was before, and you can tell him nothing. But maybe… Maybe you would feel better anyways, telling him. He seems like a– like a very understanding man. He loves you. It’s not unreasonable to think that he… That he might understand this, the way he understood you going on an adventure.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this for you. And you don’t have to do it. But I… I know it would hurt you, in the long run, if something happened between us and you never told him until it was too late. And I know you don’t want to hurt him. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you yesterday.”

“I really don’t want to do this.”

“Then don’t. It’s okay.”

“But I do want– Shit!”

“Veth. Veth the Brave, right now, tell me. In an ideal world, what would be perfect?”

“If I could… If I could be with my family sometimes, and be with you guys the rest. If I could see my son and he knows I love him, but still be… me. If I could be with my husband, and be with you. And not feel guilty about any of it.”

“I’m saying maybe that’s possible. I can’t promise anything. But you won’t know unless you talk to him. You love him. He loves you. You have a child together. I think no matter what happens, even if things go terribly at first, things will feel better in the long run if you’re honest.”

“But I don’t have to do it, if I don’t want to.”

“No. It’s your choice. I’ll support you either way.”

“I want to.”

She turned to him again, hands dropped from her face, and he could see the tearstains. He ached to hold her. He held open his arm, and she fell onto him, her head on his shoulder, wiping her eyes and nose into his shirt.

“Do you think this is okay?”

“Yes. It’s just a hug. This is what friends do.”

“Okay.”

“You’re my best friend, Veth.”

“I know.”

-

It was something she had to do in person. They had agreed on that. 

Veth had asked the rest of the group to leave for a few days, and had to reassure a concerned Jester that while her smile seemed put-upon and her anxiety very transparent that it was nothing too awful. She had shot a look at Caleb from the doorway, as she had left the group at the Chateau, that had yelled, _I’m so scared I would rather run into the ocean right now._ And he had started to sit up from his chair as if to follow her, and she had shaken her head. He had ignored the conversation the rest were having and stared balefully at her as she had left, and she had heard Beau’s voice while walking down the hall, _Caleb, what are you looking at? Hey, is Veth okay? Can we– Oh, is this one of those things I shouldn’t ask?_

And there was something to be said about honesty; knowing that Caleb wanted her too, that he knew how she felt, made it easier to remember what she loved about Yeza. She walked into their home and found him with Luc in his lap, Nugget trying to nose at Luc’s elbow while they fiddled with something on the work table together. Whatever tenuous control Yeza had over the five year old's attention span went out the window as soon as Luc looked toward the door and saw her. He jumped loose, and as he ran towards the door the dog began barking and running too. Yeza pushed his glasses up his nose.

“Veth! You’re home!” Just as Luc hugged her legs.

-

She had spent a few days with them, putting Luc to bed, going shopping with Yeza, shooing the dog from the table at dinner, reading to her son, falling asleep next to her husband– And once she found she was well and truly afraid of losing these things that were dear to her, she had waited for Luc to fall asleep and asked Yeza to sit in the kitchen with her.

The hurt in his eyes had been the first reaction, and the worst. His irritation had been preferred and almost a relief, after so many months of him desperate to be easy and cheerful no matter what. She had missed the entirety of him, the parts that existed past the mild manners and people pleasing. He had made his own business, and married a strange woman the rest of the village disdained, and been defiantly happy with his choices; that was who she had fallen in love with. That was who argued with her in their kitchen. 

When it became clear that she had done nothing with Caleb beyond a kiss on the lips, and that she did not want to leave him, he stumbled to a stop, “Oh.”

“What?”

“To be honest, I just kind of figured… Something had already happened between you two.”

“I mean… The feelings are there. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. It didn’t– It didn’t feel right not telling you.”

“Oh,” he leaned back against the counter, and then rubbed his eyes, “Oh. I’m sorry, Veth.”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“Because– I don’t know. This is a little strange. I know a mistress or someone on the side is traditional for some people but… You really love him.”

“I do.”

He squinted at her, the hurt replaced mostly by confusion, “And you love me too?”

“Yes! I– I’m sorry. If that’s not enough. I know that’s not really what we agreed to, when we got married.”

He raised his eyebrows at the tiled floor, “Yeah. Well. We also didn’t agree to you sacrificing yourself to save me and then traveling hundreds of miles into enemy territory just to save my life twice.”

“I think that kind of thing is sort of implied in most wedding vows.”

He grinned ruefully, and then scratched his head, “I guess, when I heard you say that you loved him… This whole time I’ve been afraid that you were too good for me. Like, of course you would fall for some cool and handsome wizard! I mean, you’ve always been so clever and brave and you’ve done everything a person can do for me and Luc, and I just… I feel like I didn’t do anything to deserve this. To deserve you. I mean, you’ve had to save me twice. And meanwhile you’re fighting dragons and finding treasure, and I’m useless. You’ve always been the bold one. So I guess it felt like I was hearing my worst fear confirmed.”

“But I love you too.”

“Yeah,” he crossed his arms and furrowed his brow at the floor still, not meeting her eye, “Yeah. But why?”

She took a tentative step towards him, then another when he looked up but didn’t back away, “I’ve loved you for years now, Yeza. I’m not saying people don’t fall out of love, but, you’re still you. I still love that you’re so kind, and gentle and smart. I like that you couldn’t hurt anyone and that you’ve always let me protect you. You don’t judge anyone unfairly. There are things between us that only we know, little memories. Even if we didn’t have Luc, I can’t imagine not having you in my life. And I’m certainly not perfect, and neither is Caleb, or anyone who’s been loved by anyone. You don’t have to deserve me or how I feel about you. You just have to be you.”

And when she reached to touch the back of his hand, he didn’t pull away, but unfolded his arms so he could clasp their fingers together.

“I’m sorry I lost our ring.”

“Veth, I–” she looked up from her bare hand to see his eyes watering, “Veth, just the fact that you’re still alive is enough for me.”

-

Veth had stayed almost a week with her family. The rest of the group was starting to get antsy, wondering if they should leave, and every day Jester would find another reason to stay one more night before looking across the room to meet Caleb’s eye. 

On the seventh day, she sent a message to Veth. 

_Hello, Veth! It’s Jester. Are you having lots of fun? We were wondering if you wanted us to, to stay a little longer or go._

Cut off, had been, _Without you. Love, Jester._

Caleb had gripped his hands knuckle-white on a sofa while waiting, until Jester’s head had popped up with recognition. She turned to the rest of the group, beaming.

“She wants to stay a few more days, but then she says everything’s good!” she turned to Caleb, “She said to tell you not to worry. Also _Told Yeza, all’s well._ Told him what?”

-

Veth came back. They said goodbye to Jester’s mother, and left Nicodranas. The Gentlemen was offering some work in Zadash that sounded light after a near-apocalyptic venture into a frozen wasteland. 

They stepped through the teleportation circle, stepped out of the Cobalt Archives, and realized it was too late in the night to do anything but sleep. They threw a few gold down on a room at the Pillow Trove and summoned the tower inside of it. They had dinner; Caleb looked over the table at Veth, and she smiled, but went back to listening to Caduceus explaining the kinds of mushrooms that grew on people who’d been poisoned with arsenic, and how best to process them for garnishing pasta.

They went to their separate rooms. Caleb sat on his bed, not sure if he had imagined the whole thing. Then there was a knock at the door from the lab, and without thinking he said, “Come in.”

He stood up as soon as she entered. He opened his mouth, and could not speak. She did the same, and they both stood there, breath in their chest, and not able to do anything with it. Then, finally:

“He said it’s okay.”

“He– he did?”

“He did? He did. I can’t believe it. It really worked. I really,” she lost her balance and leaned against the door, “Wow, it’s really hitting me now that I’m telling you. Can I sit down?”

“Yes, yes of course, come in–”

She sat on the bed he had just stood up from. He eyed the bed warily like it was a pet that misbehaved around guests. Veth just stared at the wall in retroactive shock.

“We talked about it. He didn’t like it at first, but then he realized, I think we both realized,” she shook her head, “I don’t really know how to put it. But I told him. And we figured it out. And he’s okay with it, and I spent a few more days with him. I missed him. I think you were right. I felt so weird around him before and I think it’s because me and him both needed to say something and we were afraid the other person would leave if we did. Isn’t that funny?”

It was not particularly funny but it was a massive relief, and he just stared at her, stunned, “I…”

“Sometimes things work out. I can’t believe it.”

He sat down next to her, “Now what?”

“Well. What do you want to do?”

He stared at his hands in his lap. He felt numb and uncertain, like when a new spell felt too big and might escape his control. He told himself this wasn’t a spell. This wasn’t something to control. It was a feeling, and suddenly the breath that came back into his lungs was warm and easy.

“I believe I told you I loved you awhile ago but couldn’t kiss you at the time.”

“And?”

“And I’m in love you, Veth. And I would like to now.”

And he kissed her, short and innocent, the simple bed creaking as they leaned towards each other. Veth grinned at him.

“Is that all? Should I go back to my room now?”

“I– I only need as much as you want to give me.”

“Okay. Maybe I want to give you more. What do you want?” she hooked her finger in the collar of his black undershirt and pulled him close, his eyes focused on her mouth as he breathed out. He swallowed.

“More. More would be nice.”

-

The tower’s facsimile of sunlight falling over the bed woke her up. There was a long leg thrown over her ankle, and an arm over her torso. There was a nose breathing in and out against the back of her neck. 

“Caleb.”

The body behind her twitched, and he moved his head so his chin rested on her shoulder, “Hm. Good morning, _maus._ What is it? _”_

She didn’t open her eyes, “Is uh. Is the room– When you cast this spell, does the tower reset every time?”

“Yes, sure,” he nosed and kissed at her neck, still sounding sleepy, and then yawned, “Why?”

“Because I think we might have wrecked your room and I’m afraid to look unless I know we don’t have to clean it up.”

He vibrated against her back when he laughed, the sound of it right in her ear, “It will reset. You can open your eyes.”

She saw the feigned light in the simple window, the clothes thrown about, the books set as carefully as they could manage on a shifted desk, the whole of the humble room that was a bit of a mess and made her shy to think about now. He yawned against her neck again and she turned under his arm to face him.

He was smiling peacefully. He rarely ever did, and usually only for a moment; she took it in slowly, how long the expression stayed this time. The smile tilted to one side into a grin.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. You’re just handsome.”

The grin turned bashful, and he brushed her hair over her shoulder and said plainly, “You’re very beautiful.”

She hummed and hid her face in his chest.

“ _Leibling_?” a bit of genuine concern, “Are you alright?”

“I’m just… Happy.”

“Oh. Okay. Good,” and he kissed the crown of her head, which only made her face burn more.

“This is a lot.”

“In a good way?”

“Yes. I didn’t realize you were such a sap.”

He moved back and propped himself up on an elbow to look at her, and grinned, “It’s nice to love someone again. I did not think you would be the shy kind,” he put his palm to her cheek, “You’re burning up, you don’t have a fever, do you?”

“Are you making fun of me right now?”

He fought a wider grin, “Hm. Just enjoying this. So no PDA in front of the group?”

“Maybe not until I get more used to it. When should we tell them? Are they gonna be obnoxious about it?”

“Yes to the latter. And I’m sorry, _liebling_ , but it’s past noon and neither of us have showed up to breakfast or lunch. They might have already figured it out.”

“Damn. Oh. That’s going to be insufferable, isn’t it.”

“Yes.”

“Well. I’m still not ready for the full force of _this,”_ she gestured to him idly stroking her arm with a finger, “around other people, so let’s hold off. Except– wait, can I slap your butt in public now?”

He shrugged, but there was a red creeping up his neck, “Maybe not just yet. But we’ll see.”

“Can I slap Fjord’s butt in public?”

“You need to ask Fjord about that, but yes, if he’s okay with it. I certainly don’t own you.”

“Well I mean–”

“Veth, I _was_ the other man about a day ago. I don’t expect you to suddenly stop looking at other men. Or women, or whoever you might like.”

“Oh.”

He put his chin in his hand, “What _is_ going on with you and Fjord though? I can never figure it out.”

“What do you– Oh, I don’t know. Him and Jessie are cute though, aren’t they?”

“Yes. To be honest I had a thing for them both, Jester especially. But I’m glad to see them so happy.”

“You and Beau both,” as his eyebrows raised, Veth’s eyes widened, “Shit! That was a secret! Don’t tell anyone!”

He was already chuckling, “Beau fell for Jester too, huh? What a weird little group we are. You really got to get better at keeping secrets, _maus.”_

“You said that word earlier– Mouse? Lebbing?”

“Ah,” he laid his head back on the pillow next to her, “Pet names. It does mean _mouse_ though. And uh, _beloved_.”

His eyes had gone soft again. In the semblance of morning light she could see the flecks, or count his eyelashes as he blinked slowly again and again. 

“I don’t mind if you fall in love with anyone else,” she picked at a non-existent loose thread in the blanket, “You have a lot of love. I like that about you.”

He smiled, small, “Alright.”

“Just that sometimes…”

“Yes?”

“Just that every once and awhile it’s just us. The same way that sometimes I just want it to be me and Yeza.”

His smile brightened, and he leaned in to kiss her lightly before pulling back, “Of course.”

She let him stroke her hair and cheek idly for a bit longer before saying, “How do you feel about him? Yeza?”

“I don’t think I’ve thought about seducing your husband just yet, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, no, I just mean, maybe you two could work on a project together, although of course if something _happened_ I wouldn’t be against it–”

He put his face in the pillow and she could hear his muffled giggling, a little higher than his voice, and she shoved his shoulder.

“Sorry, Veth. It’s just been awhile since I’ve been so relaxed. It feels strange. Good, but strange. But we don’t have to plan everything now.”

“Okay,” she fidgeted, and she saw him notice, his face getting more serious for a second before settling again sweetly.

“But ah, your husband is a good man. We both love knowledge, and discovery, and you, and he is a good father to Luc, and I’m sure if we spend time together we’ll get along.”

“ _Or_ you won’t be able to stand each other. Maybe you should never see each other again, just to be safe. No, Luc loves you, and I want you to have a room in the house. Maybe if you and Yeza got stuck together in a mildly dangerous situation, and you both had to use your wits to save each other–”

“Veth. Veth, _liebling_ , listen to me. It’s okay. I think I should give your husband some space for now. He’s still settling into all this, _ja_?”

“Ja.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry if you’re a little nervous right now. But I’m here. You talked to Yeza, which was the hard part. We can take everything as it comes. But.. You know, in maybe a few weeks, give me tips and I will seduce him.”

She hit him with the pillow and he raised his scarred arms up laughing to fend her off. He ended up catching her wrists, rolling over to straddle her. He let go and sat up above her. 

“What did you mean, you want me to have a room?”

“You gave Luc and Yeza a room in your tower. I think you should have a room in our house.”

“But it already has a guest room.”

“No, I mean, like a room that’s just yours. So if you ever want to have a… a place to rest, or study, you can go there.”

“A home.”

“Yes,” the smile that had been on his face all morning had finally fallen off, and she winced, “Is that too much?”

He leaned down to kiss her slowly, thoroughly, without sleep or levity, and her hands crept up to scratch gently down his spine. It was one of the things she had learned last night he liked, his spine curving up as she brushed her fingers down, part of some new language of loving him.

He finally pulled away, but not too far, to say, “Again– maybe something we should table while Yeza gets used to me. But– but thank you. Truly.”

He fell back at her side and she curled up into him, feeling like she might fall asleep another hour.

“Yeza did say you were handsome.”

His hand paused where it had been running down her side, “Did he now?”

-

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> me starting critical role two months ago: okay so they're really good friends, that's so cute :)  
> me once i found out that it was Complicated: .......................................... hold on


End file.
